Vail Daily column: 21 days and counting
All those who are sick and tired of repetitive political ads on TV, please raise your hands.
Let me see … keep ’em up … OK, there’s one … 20 … 300 … 4,000 … 50,000!
Whoa, that’s everybody in Eagle County, including Basalt and El Jebel and even a few tourists thrown in to boot.
Who’d a thunk?
Fear not, however, for only a mere three weeks from today it will all be over. Well, at least the commercials will stop, but the partisan silliness will just be getting started for the next presidential election just 24 months later.
Two full years of will-or-won’t-she Hillary, should-or-shouldn’t-he Romney, a slimmed-down Christie, a more-Latino Rubio, a less-like-his-dad Paul and — deity-of-choice help us — another possible Bush.
I can’t wait.
But for now, we’re stuck with another 21 days of “while my opponent appears to be a good person, please be aware that he/she is a liar, crook, swindler, flip-flopper, con artist, turncoat, criminal, cheat, charlatan, embezzler, chiseler, deceiver and trickster who kicks puppies and worships Beelzebub.”
I’m paraphrasing of course, but not by much.
To wit: Cory Gardner wants to make all abortions illegal and his opponent Mark Udall is a money-grubbing tax cheat.
Bob Beauprez is going to help kids learn how to read yet he equates birth control with abortion, while John Hickenlooper is going to help us all continue to rebuild from a devastating flood, but he’s a talking suit who hates rural Colorado and drinks too much beer.
Andrew Romanoff loves taxes and hates old people, while his opponent Mike Coffman hates taxes and loves old people, but also hates college students and abortions and loves millionaires.
And these two guys, even though we don’t have the pleasure of voting for either of them, take the Grammy for musical creativity. The beginning of each ad, when they’re ripping their opponent a new one, is filled with eerie dramatic tunes straight from the “Halloween” and “Friday the 13th” series, but the very moment the narration begins to describe their candidate’s Jimmy Stewart/Tom Hanks persona, we’re treated to a mix of Julie Andrews from the “Sound of Music” and Pharrell’s “Happy.”
Prop 105 (GMO labeling) will put billions in sales of Colorado food products at a disadvantage nationally by forcing consumers to learn how to read labels more carefully.
Amendment 68 is simply raising money for the Rhode Island gambling mafia under the guise of education.
OK, OK, we get it.
At least for local sheriff we have two fine candidates, but one is a bus driver and the other hasn’t lived here long enough to be considered one of us (whatever that means).
Jeez, please make it stop.
Come on people, let’s show at least a modicum of common decency towards one another. Ignore the ads, do your own research, reach a conclusion as to the best candidate or side of an issue and then be sure to vote.
We have to look for entertainment among the absurdity, and for me it will be those of you who are already crafting a letter to the editor based solely upon one single line above, in which you will accuse me of “perpetuating a known falsehood” (aka, spreading a lie).
And you will do so without realizing that every line above is from TV ads and already published letters, and even after reading this you will continue to miss the irony, but you’ll be so busy shouting and shooting spittle all over the newspaper that you probably won’t read this far.
But either way, county coroner?
Seriously, we have to vote on this?
You’re killin’ me.
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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