Vail Daily column: So many Halloween choices
Hey, have you heard about the Ebola Halloween costumes?
They’re really going viral, hahahaha!
No, you and I both know it’s a stupid joke, but that’s kind of the point of Halloween, right?
We wear stupid things, do stupid stuff, eat and drink stupid amounts of whatever’s age appropriate and then wake up the next morning and forget about it for another 12 months.
Sadly, some are actually offended by the latest round of annual tasteless costumes, but I think “some” need to brush up with an online sense of humor course instead.
Halloween is not necessarily all about being scary or stupid or winning gross-out contests though. When I was a kid it was about one thing: candy.
Sure, the costumes were a big deal, sort of, if I could handle the cheesy Batman or Superman mask along with cotton-stuffed outfits hand-sewn by my mom that made me look more like the Elephant Man than a superhero.
And my parents never walked around the neighborhood with me and my friends.
To allow them to do so would have been suicide for a kid. My friends would have scattered faster than Charger fans at last week’s Bronco game.
But nowadays the adults have taken Halloween over, and most of their costumes are chosen to make some kind of statement. It can be a silly, stupid, political, nonsensical statement, but still a statement.
And as long as the wearer is entertained, who really cares?
The faint of heart and easily offended, along with all registered members of the PC police, need to take the day off, as they simply have no jurisdiction on this one night of the year.
Back in 2001, I went as Dale Earnhardt, complete with a red one-piece race suit, a ghostly and bloodied face and a broken neck. Most people laughed, but a few were clueless. My neck was killing me the next morning.
But considering the state of the world right now, the possibilities are endless for costumes:
You could wear a Ronald Reagan mask upside down and say you’re going as Ted Cruz.
Or a Hillary wig underneath an Obama mask and say you’re going as the next president of the United States.
Putting on a short sleeve button-down with a tie and holding some pretend holy book while chanting “Praise Jesus!” is just as funny as wearing a Satan mask while holding some other pretend holy book and chanting “Hail Satan!”
Candy-stripe yourself in a gray jumpsuit and call yourself a proud member of Hoffmann’s “Shuttergate”
Dress up your pumpkins in mini-hazmat suits.
Have your wife wear a black sheet with one elongated hole cut out for her eyes. Send her to the door and then yell from the street, “We’re practicing sharia law, please give the candy to her but don’t look at her ankles!”
Open the door wearing a white collar and ask the kids which one’s parents make the most money. Proceed to give that kid the most candy.
Open the door wearing a blue collar and tell each kid they get one piece of candy for each time their parents vote.
Wear basic jeans and a t-shirt and call yourself a Democrat while asking for the entire bowl of candy so you can “redistribute it to all my friends.”
Wear basic jeans and a t-shirt and call yourself a Republican while saying, “I don’t want anything from you, but since you’re stupid enough to give it away for free … ” and then take as much as you can and run.
See, the possibilities are literally endless.
I thought of going as Bruce Jenner this Friday night, but I can’t decide if I should wear a jockstrap or a bra.
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Support Local Journalism
Start a dialogue, stay on topic and be civil.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.
User Legend: Moderator Trusted User