Vail Daily column: I don’t feel so good
I was watching one of my favorite news shows the other day on the Fair and Unbalanced Network. Neil Cavuto looked at me and said, “Is ISIS already on American soil? Should we care? This topic after we pay some bills,” and he broke away for the commercials.
In the first ad there were these awful pictures of toe fungus and someone explaining how embarrassed he was to show his feet in public. This poor guy would be banished from any public pool and I certainly felt sympathetic for his condition. The answer for his problem was a prescription of Jublia. I looked at my toes and wondered.
Then this next guy comes on the TV screen looking like he had no chance to make it through the day without a healthy dose of Allopuronol. He’s carrying a large jug through the streets of a busy city with a look on his face that just depicts misery. The jug is filled with green liquid which is uric acid. Apparently, he secreted this highly toxic fluid through his pores and saved it for some reason. I immediately write a note to myself to get my uric acid levels checked on Monday.
Then this other guy is on a bus (probably in the same city) and a cartoon character is pulling him off the bus — before his stop — so he can pee again. His frustration and impatience was very evident after getting to the ball game, going six times to the bathroom and then keeping his wife up all night because of the condition. The commercial suggested Vasotrexx in order to “take control of your life again.” I got up, took a leak and wrote the name down.
Speaking of keeping your wife up all night, another guy needs to determine if the time is right, throw his best girl in an empty tub and take a little blue pill. (Privacy issues and being from good stock keep me from commenting on this health issue.)
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The next commercial is a lawyer showing me a vault with $32 billion in it. It’s some of the money a family can get if a loved one has mesotheleoma (a rare cancer you contract from asbestos). The family gets a third and the lawyer gets two. The victim gets nothing because there is no cure and the prognosis is not good. I then wonder about all the old buildings I’ve been around over the years and that annoying hack I’ve developed. I’ll call the kids in the morning.
The next guy is at work and reads a note from an anonymous prick in his office. “You will have a heart attack today.” He realizes that he has to get on a Bayer Aspirin regiment before it’s too late. He runs across the street to the pharmacy on his break and just barely avoids getting hit by a bus. It’s a happy ending, though, and the next thing you see in the commercial is him trying to play with his grand kids when he’s 106. Now I’m thinking my left arm has been real achy in the past month.
The last ad depicts a person walking into a room and not knowing why. He’s looking for his keys but forgot where he put them. The jellyfish species Aequorea Victoria comes to our aid by producing a protein called Apoaequorin and humans need this to remember things. The ad suggests eat more jellyfish or just take the pill Prevagen. I write this down, too, because I can’t remember anything anymore.
The disclaimers for all the ads are pretty generic. Call your doctor immediately if your pancreas swells to a softball size, your urine is purple, your eyesight is no longer, your feet swell four sizes, your ears secrete a gooey jell, you have to breathe through your mouth because your nose hair is too thick, if you’re a man and you grow breasts and if you’re a woman and you have to shave in the morning.
Back to Neil Cavuto, and I don’t care if Isis is here. The outlook is grim whether they’ve arrived or not.
Greg Ziccardi can be reached at email@example.com.
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