Vail Daily column: Complaint department
First, I must clarify that my mother never knew exactly how to say, “Do you know what pisses me off?” She grew a little older and decided not to learn the correct connotation of the phrase and it stayed that way. She still says it and the rest of the family respects her and uses it as well. So these are a few things that “piss” me.
When an ex-girlfriend doesn’t laugh at my jokes. She used to laugh out loud and in front of other people while she was holding me tight. Now I’m just an idiot. That pisses me.
Protesters. They piss me. If you have enough time to protest, you probably don’t have a job. If you have a job and protest, you for sure don’t have a life. Those people in the Middle East are champions of dissidence. They march in the millions for fun, go home to their obedient wives who ask, “How was your day on the hot cobblestone, Ahmad?”
Politicians and the masters of the workplace that have gotten so full of themselves they have forgotten how to lie correctly. They only think they remember what it’s like to live paycheck to paycheck. They recite the speech to the minions and really do look confounded when they say “I’ve been there, people. My jet wouldn’t start today.” Ignorance is just as scary as stupid, and that pisses me.
People who steal things from stores after they break the windows with burning car doors. Those people are comparable to the horse thieves of the Wild West. (They used to hang horse thieves, didn’t they?) The looters are scum enough, but there are others who collaborate. The people that piss me are the journalists, clergymen, attorneys, professors and politicians who tell me I have something to do with their bad behavior. (I don’t like guilt — got enough in Catholic grade school, thank you very much.)
German tourists (and not all German tourists so we don’t piss off an entire country) piss me when they pretend not to know how lift lines work. They also have a problem moving through the Vatican in an orderly fashion. I speak only for myself, but I was there and saw what I saw on Chair 2. As far as the Vatican goes, I must admit I’m ashamed for almost getting into a fist fight while in line to see the Pieta a few years back. Those large women pretended for an hour that I wasn’t in line. I had to say something.
The Wounded Warrior Fund really pisses me. Not for what it does, but that it has to exist as a privately funded organization. Why would I join (for $19 a month) and take care of thousands of real heroes? Guys and gals that voluntarily got their legs blown off doing what none of us want to? Do you see what’s wrong with this picture?
Our government recently spent $750 million on a U.S. embassy located in (of all places) Baghdad. (I see in the VRBO highlights, about $4,600 per night if it were in Vail). How about $386,000 for rabbit massage therapy studies? The CIA hires whores on their trips. There must be at least five or six more examples of our money that’s misdirected. Shall I go on? I won’t because I keep getting pissier.
Up to speed, the weather is making all of us a little pissy and not for a second will I believe it wasn’t like this 27 years ago and 77 years before that. Gas prices are back up. The Stones should stop touring, and teachers don’t get paid enough. All kinds of things bother you when one of your exes doesn’t laugh at your jokes anymore.
And lastly, I get pissed when people complain about me complaining.
Greg Ziccardi can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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