Newmann: The greatest ever
This will be the biggest, most beautiful column that you’ve ever read!
It will be filled with all the great topics … and with incredible sentences. No one in the history of the English language — or any other language — could write anything like this. It’s a masterpiece. And everybody knows it.
Except … well, would you really want to read any further if the writer just kept rambling on about his or her own genius with prose? And, instead, was just prosaic. And self-absorbed.
Most folks are generally rather modest about their abilities (even if those abilities are extraordinary) and hide their light under a bushel basket. Though, occasionally, you can get hornswoggled into a one-way conversation with someone who just wants to tell you all about themselves. And how wonderful they are. Those are usually situations where you start furtively looking for the nearest door (or window) as a ready exit — or for someone, anyone, to intervene. Nothing worse than listening to someone drone on and on about how amazing or brilliant or tan they are.
Fortunately, we don’t find ourselves in these situations very often. Otherwise, we’d probably be prone to becoming social hermits.
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Most people, as mentioned above, are pretty good about limiting the chat about themselves (even if they’re bursting to tell you everything that’s happened since the last time they saw you, which may have been six years ago) … and actually might make a few inquiries about you.
Some of the major exceptions to understatement about themselves would be … some of our fearless leaders.
Turn on the television (if you dare) and there they are in living color (sometimes unnatural color) going on and on about all the wonderful stuff that they’re doing for us. And one can only imagine the unspoken thoughts going through their minds:
“We’re benevolently selling off your public lands to help pay for … well, a bunch of very good deals for outside interests.”
“We’re putting beautiful tariffs on the goods you desperately need so you can have the privilege of paying more for them. And then we’ll keep moving those tariffs up and down and will shake them all around.”
“We’re saving you tons of money by cutting out funding for all of those stupid vaccines that probably don’t work anyway.”
“We’re slashing spending on national service programs like AmeriCorps because if folks want affordable houses, they can build them themselves.”
Gosh, terrific to know that all these great minds are really looking out for our better interests. Can’t help but put a bunch of trust in their assertive natures and abundant abilities. Especially if one lives in communities, like ours, that feel the far-reaching effects of their impetuous brainstorms.
Unlike those regular boring boors who accost you at work (or at social events or at your local supermarket) to tell you how wonderful they are … well, these folks are the real-meal deal. You really have to take notice when they tell you that they’re the best ever, that no one has ever done what they’re doing now.
Because no one has.
Tom Newmann splits his time between Edwards and Queenstown, New Zealand. He has been going winter-to-winter since 1986. He was also a journalist in Missoula, Montana, at the Missoulian for quite a few years. Email him at tsnnz12@gmail.com.
