Robbins: Goals in divorce
It takes all kinds.
And I’ve certainly had them.
From the couples who could not be kind enough to one another, to the woman who, upon our meeting for the first time, challenged me to ask why she wanted a divorce and then responded with, “Because my husband is a d—!”, to the small handful of times when I thought my client might end up with broken bones or a bullet to the head, to the time when my client had had enough and took his own life.
There has been that and everything in between.
Perhaps more than any other area of law, people going through divorce — especially with young children — can be deeply overwrought. Thankfully, most times at least, despite understandable emotion, most divorcing parties manage not to come to fisticuffs.
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Despite how divorcing couples handle it — from blame, recrimination, anger, tears or calm acceptance — what needs to be resolved when couples split is broadly the same. There are four overarching areas when children are involved that need to be resolved.
First, and most importantly, are the kids. How will they be managed? Who will care for them? How much time will each parent spend with them? Who will make decisions for them about such things as schooling, religious upbringing, and health care? Will parenting time be equally divided or will one parent have more kid-time than the other? What if one parent or the other — or both — wishes to relocate to another area with the children? All these things — and more — need to be thought through, hashed out, and ultimately settled.
Next, besides the care and custody of the children, how will they be financially supported? Will one party or the other pay the other for their support? Who will pay for and provide health insurance? How will uncovered medical expenses, copays, and deductibles be satisfied? What about paying the king’s ransom for daycare or private schooling? Who will cover the kids’ participation in the potential myriad of extracurricular activities?
As any parent who has raised children in the mountains knows, skiing, hockey, dance, and a million other potentially enriching kid activities don’t come cheap. Speaking overly broadly, the law provides at least a starting point in figuring it all out based on the combined incomes of the parties, each party’s proportionate contribution to the joint income, the number of minor children, and the number of overnights that the respective parties will enjoy with the children in their care. The devil still is, however, in the details.
The third main “bucket” of considerations pertains to how the marital estate will be divided. Stated simply, who gets what? Debts and assets have to be equitably allocated. Who will get the marital home and how will the other party be compensated for his or her share? What about investments, debts, retirement savings, and pensions? Will the party who keeps the home have to refinance at today’s sky-high rates or will she or he, instead, be able to retain the current mortgage?
If retirement funds are divided, will an early withdrawal penalty be assessed? Again, there is this and so much more to figure out. Speaking broadly yet another time, there are some guiding metrics: In Colorado, anyway, whatever comes into the marriage by any means whatsoever (excluding only inheritance and gift to one and not both parties) becomes part of the marital estate and must be equitably divided.
Say, for example, that the marriage has been a “traditional” one with one party working and the other caring for the kids and home; no matter, absent a prenuptial agreement to the contrary, whatever the couple has amassed during the marriage is theirs, not his or hers and must be equitably parsed out.
Fourth, there is the “snakebite” of what this state calls spousal maintenance and many others refer to as alimony. Will it be due and, if so, for what amount and for how long? While it is case-by-case dependent, guidance is offered in the law as to whether and when maintenance is appropriate and for how long the obligation will persist. From a panoramic view, maintenance will generally be due where one party needs it to meet their accustomed reasonable needs and where equity demands so doing.
To get to the finish line of divorce, these four main buckets need to be unpacked.
While all of the foregoing must be tackled, finessed, and determined, there are other perhaps less tangible goals as well. How will the parties co-parent once they are divorced? Can the parties set an example of cooperation for the children as they each begin to pursue their separate lives? Will the divorcing couple encourage the children to love and maintain a meaningful relationship with the other parent? Ideally, can the divorcing couple — at least for the children’s sake — remain cordial or maybe even friends?
Even under the best of circumstances, divorce is difficult, painful, and “upheaving.” If, however, one can approach and accept it with equanimity, it bodes well for the future, particularly when minor children are involved.
Many are the times over the four decades of my handling divorce that I have shared with my clients the reality that, even after the divorce, if there are kids involved, you will continue to be bound to your former partner, at least until the kids are raised and likely for long after. When the kids are off and grown and have their own kids, to whose home will they bring them for the holidays? Ideally, the answer will be, if the divorcing parties can keep the goals of forgiveness and harmony in mind, “both.”
Rohn K. Robbins is an attorney licensed before the Bars of Colorado and California who practices Of Counsel in the Vail Valley with the Law Firm of Caplan & Earnest, LLC. His practice areas include business and commercial transactions; real estate and development; family law, custody, and divorce; and civil litigation. Robbins may be reached at 970-926-4461 or at his email address: Rrobbins@CELaw.com. His novels, “How to Raise a Shark (an apocryphal tale),” “The Stone Minder’s Daughter,” and “Why I Walk so Slow” are currently available at fine booksellers. And coming soon, “He Said They Came From Mars.”
