Robbins: Santa’s crimes are legion | VailDaily.com

Robbins: Santa’s crimes are legion

Don’t let that jolly “ho, ho, ho” fool you. Or that he makes his rounds in red pajamas and that silly hat. They are only meant to take to you in and to distract you. To say nothing of that reindeer with the glowing nose!

This Santa fellow is more clever than you think.

His crimes are legion.

Were it not for the bribes he shamelessly dispenses to the sleeping children of law enforcement and the judges, he would be clapped behind a sturdy set of iron bars. Only owing to the palms he so liberally greases, does this Santa fellow escape justice. Year after ceaseless year, he remains free to carry out his mischief.

First, there is that sleigh he rides. No flight plan has been filed. He puts us all at risk with how close above our heads he zooms and the reckless speed he flies. Do you think that sleigh meets even the most rudimentary FAA requirements? I doubt it. 

Were it you or I, we would be ticketed for erratic driving, for running every stoplight, and for our failure to deploy our headlights and taillights. But does Santa ever see police lights in his rearview? What rearview?! Exactly — another violation. This Santa is a callous fellow!

What about the federal and international laws he scoffs at? Has he once, ever, do you think, applied for a passport? Does he respect international borders? Is he engaged in entanglements with our foreign adversaries? Has he registered with the State Department or other governmental officials as an emissary, foreign agent, or lobbyist?

Let’s talk about his supposed “workshop.” An illegal sweatshop is more like it. 

While Santa and his missus “ho, ho, ho” about, he drives those poor elves, in violation of the Emancipation Proclamation and the United States Constitution itself, as if there were mere chattel slaves. Day and night, night and day without surcease they toil. And for what? A crust of bread perhaps? Some Christmas cookies? The odd mulled eggnog slugged down in a hurry so they can get quickly back to work. 

Does Santa pay a fair wage, do you think? Does he even try to abide by wage and labor laws or to provide the elves a safe secure work environment? If the Occupational Safety and Health Administration were called in, what they would have to say!? 

To his credit, though, Santa seems to comply, in some respects at least, with provisions of the Americans With Disabilities Act; from what I’ve seen in sketches anyway, he seems to have made “reasonable accommodation” for his height-challenged workers.

Then there is the matter of the reindeer: Dancer, Prancer, Blitzen and the rest. Do you think for a moment that Santa would past muster in his treatment of those poor beasts? There are laws, you must know, dealing with the fair and ethical treatment of animals. How does PETA not have its undies in a collective bunch? Who in their right mind could claim that to lash these poor beasts to one another and to drive them thousands of miles in the freezing night approaches the humane!?

By the way, where do all these gifts he dispenses come from? Do you think that Santa — who as far as I can tell is unemployed all but one day of the year — has sufficient assets or income to secure them all by lawful means? I suspect not. From whom and from where does he purloin them in such numbers? I suspect an unlawful scheme. Others must be in on this as well which raises conspiracy and Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act considerations. How can law enforcement turn a blind eye?

On the night in question itself, there are multiple violations. 

Let’s start with trespass. There would be no doubt whatsoever about this.

Home after home after home. Santa comes on to private property with neither license nor permission. Then down the chimney he slides. In every state I know of, this amounts to an unlawful breaking and entering.

Santa should count himself lucky that — at least up until now — no one has stood upon the defense of a “make my day” law and put an end to his criminal spree. What jury would convict the homeowner? “A soot-covered fat man with a bag of ill-gotten goods was planted in my living room slugging down a glass of milk and filling up with my wife’s fresh Toll House cookies. Wouldn’t you have felt threatened? I had to stand my ground.”

Or maybe — just maybe — the system would be twisted in his favor. Somehow, he has kept law enforcement wrapped around his finger.

There is this St. Nick thing too. Is he entitled to that title? Who — tell me, please — bestowed that honorific on him? Does he use the “Saint” thing to take in the gullible and to defraud them? Is it yet another aspect of his wicked scheme? Might it not be — ask yourself — all part and parcel of his evil genius, of the confidence game he has perpetrated on us all since time immemorial?

We are all part of it. We are all complicit. Since we were children, we have heard these tales and, of our own free will, simply looked the other way. We too have been bought and paid for with the gifts he lavishes.

Shame on us one and all.

Or maybe not …

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and blessings to one and all in the coming new year.