Top secret! | VailDaily.com

Top secret!

Jonathan Staufer

To: POTUS

From: NSA (No Such Agency, tee hee!)

Re: Richard Carnes Electronic Surveillance 6/17/13

The digital records for all of this will be stored at our brand spanking new $1.5 billion, 1.5 million-square-foot, yottabyte or zettabyte facility in Utah.

Note: All areas we feel might be an invasion of Richard Carnes' privacy have been notated "REDACT." Mr. Carnes is an American citizen, and we wouldn't want anyone to think we were spying on our own people 😉 (keyboard shorthand "wink" for wink, wink!)

Cell phone activity:

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2 calls from 970-949-0500 REDACT: Don Rogers, Mr. Carnes' editor, calling to find out where Mr. Carnes' commentary piece is. Mr. Carnes says he's "working on it" (see ISP Activity).

2 calls from 970-555-1254 REDACT: Mr. Carnes' daughter calling to say she's running late at soccer practice when in fact she is out with her best friend Amy buying something Mr. Carnes would never allow her to wear out of the house. (See camera feed activity.)

1 call from 970-555-1255 REDACT: Mrs. Carnes calling to ask Mr. Carnes to please turn on the meatloaf.

2 texts from 970-555-6755 REDACT: From John Smithson, both asking if Mr. Carnes wants to come over to watch the Blackhawks-Bruins game. Mr. Carnes replies no, he's on deadline. Twice.

Landline activity:

2 calls from 602-555-3422 REDACT: Mr. Carnes' mother-in-law, Beatrice, calling to inquire as to the whereabouts of Mrs. Carnes. Mr. Carnes suggests she should call her daughter on her cell phone. Beatrice doesn't want to call on the cell phone unless it's an emergency. Beatrice also wants to know if the Vail Valley is on fire.

ISP Activity:

1 visit to finance.yahoo.com REDACT: Checked quotes for AAPL, COST, SBUX. (See computer activity.)

3 visits to youtube.com REDACT: 20 videos involving kittens doing cute things.

2 visits to youporn.com REDACT: 7 videos involving coeds doing cute things.

REDACT: Cable Activity:

Blackhawks-Bruins game. (Go Blackhawks! Yes, POTUS, we here at the NSA really are Blackhawks fans! Unless you're rooting for the Bruins because you went to Harvard?)

REDACT: Computer activity:

Two windows open in word processing program, the opinion piece and Carnes' journal. No work at all done on opinion piece. In journal, Carnes inquires how he could possibly be the only person in the world who has lost money on Apple. Precisely the same question posed by Jonathan Staufer, a fellow resident of Happy Valley. (Please see surveillance report for Jonathan Staufer, 6/17/13.)

REDACT: Camera feed activity:

Mr. Carnes' car (CO License plate XOX1830) picked up by CDOT cameras at both ends of Dowd Junction. Mr. Carnes' car picked up by town of Vail cameras in main Vail parking structure. Mr. Carnes' daughter picked up by town of Vail cameras in Vail Village. Mr. Carnes' daughter picked up on security camera of local clothing boutique.

REDACT: Credit Card Activity:

Mr. Carnes' Visa card charged $376.82 at local clothing boutique.

The above is fictional, of course. (Mr. Carnes doesn't have a daughter, for instance.) The point is that no government should have this much power to spy on its people, particularly when they have granted themselves power to hold American citizens in solitary confinement indefinitely without charge or when they have granted themselves power to execute American citizens without trial. Such powers were formerly reserved for repressive dictatorships and applied through their security apparatuses (does the STASI ring any bells?) and are not something we should accept in a constitutional democracy.

I'll stick with the original "Poor Richard": "They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."

Jonathan Staufer is a Vail resident.