Vail Daily column: ‘It’s harder than I thought,’ he said
“I loved my previous life. I had so many things going.”
What’s wrong with the life you have now? Looks pretty good to me.
“This is more work than in my previous life.”
Um, OK, sure. But what did you expect?
“I thought it would be easier.”
Really? You thought column writing would be easier than, what, keeping a weekly diary?
“A lot of good things are happening — really good things. We’re very proud of the job we’ve done.”
What’s this “we” bit? Don’t you write these things on your own?
“I think we’ve done more than perhaps any columnist in the first 18 years.”
OK, so you’re obviously stuck on the whole “we” thing, but why are you prattling on about the first 18 years?
“It’s a false standard — 18 years — but I have to tell you, I don’t think anybody has done what we’ve been able to do in 18 years, so we’re very happy.”
Where do you get most of your ideas?
“Hey, I’m a nationalist and a globalist. I’m both … And I’m the only one who makes the decision.”
That’s, um, great, but again, where do you get the ideas?
“I see things on Fox & Friends.”
“And I know words. I know the best words.”
Sure you do, but you don’t always put them in the right order.
“Who knew column writing could be so complicated!”
Why is it so complicated if you know the best words?
“It’s easy. It’s so easy.”
You don’t always make a lot of sense. What about other columnists who have been writing much longer, like Rev. Jack Van Ens?
“I’m not giving him credit or not giving him credit, I’m just saying that’s a very hard thing to do.”
Wait, you just said it was easy. Never mind; how about Rohn Robbins?
“As to whether or not he’s rational, I have no opinion on it. I hope he’s rational.”
How would you rate your first 18 years as a columnist?
“I’d give us an ‘A.’”
“Have you seen the tremendous success? That’s another thing that nobody talks about. We have had tremendous success, but we don’t talk about it.”
You just did, but whatever. Do you think you have any real fans?
“Have you ever seen my rallies? I have the best rallies. And my base, which is a big base, expects me to fulfill my promises, and that’s exactly what I plan to do.”
Even though you’ve actually accomplished very little in all this time?
“I think that, you know, this is a very tough environment not caused necessarily by me.”
But you just … Hey, wait, aren’t these responses just quotes taken directly from President Trump?
“I have a great relationship with the blacks.”
Thought so. You simply put “column writing” in place of “presidency” and “18 years” in place of “100 days,” didn’t you?
“Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich.”
Yep, I get it, but how do you expect readers to take you seriously if you’re equating weekly column writing with being president?
“Believe me. … It’ll be a beautiful thing.”
Well, OK, but finally, how do you think your detractors feel about all of this?
“My IQ is one of the highest, and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”
Thanks for clearing that up.
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.