Vail Daily column: Make sure you read the fine print
I woke up New Year’s Day with a scratchy throat.
No hangover, mind you, as I only had two brews the night before down at the Gore Range Brewery, which is where I hang my hat most of the time.
If I wore hats, that is.
Anyway, throughout the course of the day I was the proverbial bum on the couch, watching football and finishing a column, with the scratchy throat becoming progressively worse.
The following morning was no better. In fact, I felt even worse, so I called my lovely bride while she was working up at Beaver Creek Ski School.
This is what most husbands do after a few decades of marriage; call up the wife and whine like a little girl about how crappy we feel, hoping she’ll rush home and tuck us under the covers while feeding us hot chicken soup and crackers.
It was the first week of the year at ski school, so of course she was too busy to rush home to my whimpering aid, but said there were some “extra” antibiotics in the bathroom under her sink and that I should go ahead and finish them.
“It can’t hurt,” she said, “if anything it might help you get over it quicker, especially if you might be getting the flu.”
To the bathroom I trudged, looked under the sink and, lo and behold, found them — 150mg tablets of something called “Fluconazole.”
Hmmm, I thought to myself. It even has the word “flu” in the title, so hey, it’ll probably do the trick.
What could go wrong?
“Yes, that’s the one,” she said. “Go ahead and take it now.”
I did not have my glasses on, so I did not check the expiration date, but of course I trust my wife.
So like a good little boy, I did what mama said and swallowed the pill (I made the airplane noises all by myself).
That night, not only could I not breathe any better, but I had severe stomach cramps. I had not eaten much the previous two days, so I figured my body was simply rebelling for my lack of appetite.
The next morning was just as bad, but the Nyquil had helped with sleeping.
Downstairs in front of the TV, sipping coffee, watching the news and reading the Vail Daily e-edition online, I remembered to take another one of her pills, only this time I had my glasses on (I can’t see anything on the laptop without them).
Grabbing the Fluconazole, the first thing I read, in bold print brazenly above the drug name, was: “The easy oral cure for most vaginal yeast infections.”
Yes, you read that correctly.
Yes, I had swallowed the second pill.
Yes, I am an idiot.
To paraphrase our president-elect, I don’t have any problems with my bread rising, but even if I did I’m pretty sure this yeast medicine wouldn’t help.
For those still curious, the expiration date was irrelevant.
Let the feline jokes and comedic condemnations commence in 3 … 2 … 1 …
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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