Vail Daily column: No travel ban for Vail visitors
Rest easy, friends, neighbors and guests, for here in the Happy Valley bubble, no ban has ever been asked for, much less approved by a court, against any upright member of society with a fully functional credit card.
Welcome to Vail!
Today’s Vail America Days parade is chock full of Americans, Mexicans, Canadians, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, atheists, males, females, undecideds and just about any other classification your potentially judgmental heart desires, meaning you’re free to march in our parade as a unicorn wrapped in a rainbow tossing Skittles, for all we care.
But make sure you register with the town of Vail first; you know, due to potential liabilities and such.
Anyway, we’re all here today to enjoy mountain views, mountain air, mountain folk, mountain food, mountain beer and, of course, the freedom to do all of the above.
Ain’t America great?
Grab a cup of Morning Joe (sans Mika) at one of our many coffee boutiques (we don’t call ’em shops), pull out your phone, take photos, tweet to your heart’s content and enjoy your time in this beautiful Rocky Mountain enclave, where a limited number of us are fortunate enough to call home.
And speaking of tweets, you have my absolute guarantee there will be no storms and, according to weather.com, none of the meteorological kind, either.
But we might have a few afternoon thunderboomers later on this week, so be prepared. And don’t worry if during the parade you find yourself poking fun at one of the marching acts.
Seriously, if you make a lewd or perhaps inappropriate statement concerning something questionably tasteless by, oh let’s say, the Vail Precision Lawn Chair Demonstration Team, then relish in the fact that you will not be treated in an even harsher retaliatory manner.
After all, we’re adults here; it’s not as if any of us is president.
And speaking of the man that is to the presidency what Kim Kardashian is to the entertainment industry … no, wait, I promised Ed not to “go there” on such a patriotic day.
Put it this way: We refuse to say anything negative about Aspen, as lowering our standard of conduct is beneath the dignity of Vail. If they were to say something negative about Vail, well, then the last thing we would do is “hit back harder.”
We’re not in the third grade.
Besides, responding in kind only serves to promote one’s adversary even further, and that’s the last thing we would want to accomplish.
Again, we’re adults, not little snowflakes with hurt feelings.
If we were to “fight back,” then it would be with the intellectual dignity the pretend ski area feud deserves.
See, we take the high road, and not just because our mountains are higher, thus providing better snow that lasts longer, but because that is how we roll here in Happy Valley.
So feel free to head on over the town of Vail offices (closed today, but you know what I mean), and I promise you will not see a fake Time magazine cover because there’s a difference between fighting hard and fighting smart.
Either way, we’re all patriots (well, most of us).
Enjoy the Fourth!
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.