Wissot: We look better masked
Let me gently break the news to you folks: Most of us are marginally attractive. Take me, for example. I have a long broken nose that slants to the right because I got into too many fights as a kid where I failed to keep my guard up. The doctor told my mother it would be wise to wait until I outgrew my fisticuff stage before spending money to fix it. She forgot about it as I got older and I’m sure not going to waste my shekels fixing it at 75.
I have a weak chin which I hide with a beard, bulbous lips, and shallow cheek bones. I am definitely more attractive with a mask on, even with my big ears, which I can cover with earmuffs when the weather turns colder. The only facial feature exposed would be my eyes. An ex-wife told me I had ratty eyes. But walking around with ratty eyes is still better when a mask hides the rest of your facial defects.
What I’m getting at is that most of us look better with a mask on. Don’t believe me? As you walk around our now tourist-crowded village, how many really pretty and handsome faces do you see? Do you know why they are so few and far between? They’re attractive for crying out loud. They have a cosmetic right to go maskless. The rest of us don’t.
I am so sick of the political controversy over whether going maskless is a sign of freedom and wearing a mask a concern for public health. Let’s for heaven’s sake forget about the politics of mask wearing and concentrate on what is far more important in America: being noticed. Do you know how many snazzy outfits and accessories you can combine with masks ? The possibilities are endless.
And guys, you don’t have to be one of those wierd metrosexuals like David Beckham to match a signature mask with a shirt from your favorite sports team. I go ga ga for the New Orleans Saints and I’ve matched a killer fleur de lis Saints mask with a black and gold team shirt. Bellisimo. Believe me, bellisimo. It’s posted on my Facebook account. Check it out for yourself.
I’m busting my butt to avoid the politics of mask-wearing. But if we must get into that divisive realm, what better way to tell your adversaries you hate them than with antagonistic declarations plastered on a face mask. You can go with awfully lame ideas like “Trump Sucks,” and “Die Liberals Die.” Or you can step up your game with more creative commentary like, “Lock Schiff Up,” and “I’m Tired of Winning.”
I have no doubt that wearing dueling political face masks in public will promote your garden variety fistfights and brawls. But if it saves lives and hospitalizations because the hooligans were masked up when they pummeled each other, then I say, right on, let the bloodletting begin.
I know from experience that winding up with a broken nose beats being placed on a ventilator any day.
Jay Wissot is a resident of Denver and Vail. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.