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April Fool’s: Cockfighting replaces Edwards stadium

Harustus P. Diddy
Fortnightly Staff Scribe

EAGLE-VAIL, Colorado ” Say goodbye to Friday night lights and say hello to Fright night fights ” cockfights.

Come next fall, flying pigskin will give way to flying spurs, thanks to a measure passed by the Feagle Crounty Skool Distruck at last night’s board meeting.

The Distruck had originally proposed to build a mulit-use turf stadium at the site of the new Battle Mountain High School, but decided that a cockfighting ring would make more economic and academic sense.

“First and foremost, a turf stadium would have cost us a few million,” said superintender Tony Brandza. “This cockfighting ring will bring in that much ” a year.”

Through gate revenue, concessions and television, Brandza expects cockfighting to bring the district close to $2 million in revenue, which is all non-taxable through the Colorado State Cockfighting exemption clause passed last session. Along with the much-needed boon to the districts’ budget, Brandza thinks cockfighting will serve as a learning experience to all involved.

“This is Eagle County, so our kids need to learn about livestock and 4H kind of stuff,” Brandza said, kicking his cowboy boots on top of his desk. “Livestockery is much more important than athletics in a well-rounded libel arts education.”

Under the current proposal, each incoming high school freshman will be issued a chick, which they will raise and then eventually fight.

“Do the chickens have large talons?” asked student Neapolitan Dynamic.

Pro-cockfighting parent Paul Tree thinks the new activity could be a great opportunity for future success at the pro levels for kids.

“Look, none of our football or soccer players looked like they were going to play in the professional ranks, but I guarantee we’ll have at least four chickens and their trainers make the jump to the Dominican Super Liga,” Tree said.

Hugh Maine is one of several parents vehemently against the cockfighting ring.

“Isn’t this cruel, not to mention illegal?” said Maine, whose concerns were quickly answered by the school district head counsel, Jerry Prudence.

“We found an old loophole in the Eagle County charter that was amended into the books during the Great Cabbage Compromise of (18)86,” Prudence said.

The ring, which should be completed in the next month, will be flanked by a 10,000-person capacity stadium and feature a Jumbotron and laser lights to enhance the introduction of the chickens at each fight. “Losing” chickens will be used in Friday’s school lunches.

In a last-ditch effort to thwart the bill, opponents flew in actress Susan Saranwrap, but her presence was shadowed by that of New York Mets pitcher and game-fowl enthuiast sPedro Martinez, who was in town getting surgery on his shoulder and accidentally wandered into the board meeting.

Wilford Brimely contributed to this report from Rangoon, Myanmar.


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