Congressional redistricting and its effect on golf
OK, if you’ve ever played golf with me – and let’s face it, most of the county has – you might know that I spray the ball a smidgen.
Right handed, if I hit a slice, I’ll often say, “That one was further right than Rush Limbaugh on Oxycontin.” And I’m an equal-opportunity employer when it comes to misdirection. If it’s a hook, “That was left of Ted Kennedy and Barbara Streisand.
I’ve never been into bipartisanship, not because I don’t desire it as a citizen. I just can’t hit the ball down the middle.
There really is a reason I’m bringing this up two days before Vail opens for skiing. Our business editor, Scott Miller, has been covering redistricting, and, under the current proposal, the line between Districts 2 (Jared Polis-D) and 3 (Scott Tipton-R) will run through my beloved 18, the Eagle-Vail Golf Club.
You really shouldn’t talk politics on a golf course, but …
• The course starts in Republican country, the third district, with the par-5 first. What’s more American than that? Before teeing off, all golfers must sing, “God Bless America,” and wear a flag pin on their golf shirts.
• No. 2 is a dog-leg right. How can Michele Bachmann not like that? Most importantly, the beverage cart that sits at the end of the hole is still in GOP territory, barely. The cart is not regulated by onerous Democratic taxes and Newt Gingrich still rings up a $500,00 tab.
• Go through “Little Eisenhower Tunnel” for hole north of Highway 6 and, all of a sudden, you’re in District 2, home of the Dems. As such, Nancy Pelosi is on hand to show you a copy of Obama’s birth certificate, saying that he was born in Hawaii. If you accidentally hit a car on Highway 6, the former Speaker of the House will help you sue the driver because there’s no tort reform here.
• Since no one is allowed to fail, according to Democrats, the tricky par-3 across the Eagle River is refitted with a trampoline-like net, so that water-bound balls bounce up on the green. The money for the net is raised by taxing rich people. (As I side note, I still go into the Eagle anyway.)
• President Obama gets the honor of being the first to play the new fifth hole at Eagle-Vail. He bogeys it, but blames the Bush administration and the current Republican Congress for his misfortune.
• Now its really gets fun. If you play old No. 7 from the blues, you tee off in a Republican district and finish in a Democratic one. (This is not a joke, people) This political gyration has Mitt Romney written all over it. The hole is about 430 yards from the tips, but the former governor ends up playing 1,000 yards visiting both sides of the fairway.
• Rick Perry and his friends are playing the next two holes up ahead, back in GOP country. A member of Perry foursome hooks a ball left onto the hillside, hitting a rock, but nothing is written on it fortunately. Meanwhile the Governor of Texas is focusing on his game – his driver, his iron play and something else which he just forgot.
• It’s time to go up to the ninth and the hole has been renamed for Herman Cain, of course. It should be noted that his 9-9-9 policy doesn’t work in Eagle-Vail or on any other course. A nine on your scorecard is no good. If you’re female and playing this hole, please be careful.
• Eagle-Vail’s 10th is a big hit with the GOP. Newly-renamed “Tax Cut,” it drops severely.
• All guns are confiscated as one turns into 11 because we’re back in the land of the Democratic Party. Vice President Joe Biden is now working the halfway house and talking so much that golfers try to buy everything just to shut him up. (The Veep ends up selling everyone mandatory health insurance.)
Socialism rules the day on this par-5, but as the season progresses and the geese land on it, per their migratory patterns, the hole is closed out of environmental sensitivity. (The geese like to go in private and it’s bad for their self-esteem to have golfers walking around them.)
• The rest of the course remains in Republican hands. Former Senator Rick Santorum lobbies to get a hole named after him, but no one pays attention. Congressman Ron Paul puts another ball in the drink on 15 and declares that under his presidency he would abolish both the United States Golf Association and the Royal and Ancient.
And as we’re finishing up, Speaker of the House John Boehner is hanging out in a greenside bunker getting some rays. Turns out that tan is real.
Sports Editor Chris Freud can be reached at 970-748-2934 or firstname.lastname@example.org.