What I want for sportsmasukkah
I’m told that the holiday’s are a time for giving and receiving gifts. Not one to trump precedent, I think I’ll join in the holiday festivities.Being cognizant of the old adage, “It’s better to give than to receive,” I’ll start by doling out some priceless gifts. Oh, and before you laud me for my selflessness, wait until you see what kind of gifts I’m giving.Johnny Damon can have my hair and beard seen in the mug shot above. Too bad he can’t flaunt his real style with his new team, the New York George Steinbrenners. Okay, here’s a real gift for Damon: Chuck Knoblauch’s ability to commit errors.To Gary Barnett, I’m giving $3 million dollars.Major League Baseball deserves nothing less than a VIP tour of Congress with free polygraph tests.
While I do believe in second chances, I think Todd Bertuzzi should get a nice roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris before he can play in the Olympics.I’m going to give Terrell Owens an authentic game-worn NFL jersey. It’ll almost be like he actually played in a few games.And because it is the holiday’s, I’ll quash my cynicism for a bit and hand out some real gifts.For the Chicago White Sox, I’ll throw away a pair of black socks. As a Red Sox fan, I know how good it feels to finally win. I’m fine with any colored pair of socks winning, as long as they aren’t pinstriped.Joe Paterno, at 79, has just about everything. He can take my fantasy football team and make it into a winning squad.Bill Belichick’s performance merits a new suit, but then again, he wouldn’t want anything other than a hoodie.To Sheryl Swoopes, I’m giving something I rarely give – my full respect.
Wish listAs a recent transplant to Colorado, I’m going to request a stash of powder. If the CIA is reading this, the powder I want is snow, not illicit drugs or any sort of bomb making material.Can I please get an NFL postseason that is more interesting than the regular season? Maybe I’ll save this request, as the postseason couldn’t possibly be any more mundane than the regular season.I would exchange all of my real holiday gifts for a real television contract for the NHL. Watching games this year is not like in the past, when I would have rather watched the British House of Lords on late night C-SPAN.I want to be able to watch the American soccer squad advance to the quarterfinals of the World Cup. Yes, soccer is a great sport to watch, and, yes, we have a competitive team.
And I think I’m in good company when I say I don’t want to hear Bode Miller. I only want to see him ski. Let me ask the U.S. Treasury Department for a non-monetary gift. Let Cuba play in the World Baseball Classic. This isn’t the Moscow Olympics. And besides, if Cuba’s team plays anything like Fidel did, we don’t have much to worry about. (Castro’s scouting report read, “He really could have been something if he only had a fastball.”)Finally, come February, I want American gold medals in the two man luge, ice hockey and curling. Sports Writer Ian Cropp can be reached at 949-0555, ext. 14631, or firstname.lastname@example.org.Vail, Colorado
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