Chacos: Desperately seeking a 3G family life coach
At some point, we’ve all skimmed the classified section of the local newspaper looking for ways to make extra money. During these unprecedented times, however, most jobs still look unfulfilling enough to dust off the resumé and apply. However, here’s a real heroic job with six-figures for an open-minded, passionate individual.
Applications are now being accepted to be part of a “high-performance family” as their “family life coach” in a confidential mountain town (39.1911° N and 106.8175° W). You’ll be compensated with full benefits, a car, phone, continuous learning opportunities, a ski pass, and they’ll even cover all relocation costs. If you possess what the family likes to call 3G (grit, growth, and gratitude), and a swath of obtuse acronyms, this may be the right fit for you. Apply today and finally put all your skills to work!
First, the family life coach must be able to take care of the high-performance family’s children ages 5, 3, and 2. The applicant must possess a baccalaureate in psychology, counseling, or education. Do not bother applying if one has a degree in philosophy, art history, or fashion design. Remember, you’ll be tasked with teaching children how to have attainable and realistic strategies for successfully leading a high-performance life, not how to think existentially.
The FLC needs to have been a student-athlete in college hockey and a current moderate to expert skier in winter. The coach will be tasked to transform the lives of the littles so they can reach their full potential under your inspirational tutelage. This will be accomplished by coaching the children through online education, experiential learning, field trips, athletic training, and personal growth through struggle.
To be clear, watching “Little Einstein” and “Scooby-Doo” would never suffice as online education. nor is potty-training considered experiential learning through struggle. Walking or biking to the market for ice cream is not a field trip and athletic training must be more vigorous than picking up every single Lego or playing in the park. Although unique challenges through the cultivation of basic life skills should include dodging rush-hour traffic in Aspen and maneuvering the lift line in Vail on a Saturday, I’m sure the high -performance family wants skills more transferrable and grit-worthy. You must be willing to think outside-of-the-box!
Next, the FLC will have been an athletic coach or summer camp coach for at least two years prior to working with the family. During this time, they should have been providing health and wellness to youth on a passionate journey for personal well-being. This sounds like a brutal Trojan war camp with kids named Hector and Achilles instead of being the garden-variety YMCA camp down the street.
Becoming a skills coach is also required for the job. Skiing, power skating, and hockey need to be taught to the children. Do not worry that these are highly coordinated, fine-motor movements that take years to master. One of the other prerequisites for hire is to have strong behavioral and psychological skills, commonly referred to as gaslighting, that can effectively help young children overcome their unsatisfactory lifestyle behaviors and habits.
Since there are too many unsavory lifestyle behaviors and habits in the toddler-preschooler demographic to list here, the skills coach will have to prioritize obstacles like naps and potty accidents as the children strive for growth and continual perfection.
I almost forgot to mention that a passion for plant-based eating will help you get the job as the FLC. As requested in the family’s culture standards, the coach must walk the talk of living a healthy lifestyle and lead by example through cooking meals and doing household chores. Please maintain integrity and passion in everything you do, especially whilst cleaning out the crisper.
Since the FLC has been asked to have emotional maturity and vast interpersonal skills, there should be no problem employing effective communication abilities to reflectively listen to adult family members when he or she talks endlessly about their exercise habits. You should earnestly reply, “You look so strong!” instead of saying something unrehearsed like, “Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout!”
This position currently listed online also requires the employee to work hard(er!) and stay busy. The family would like the applicant to learn multiple software and online learning platforms between maintaining a flexible schedule and the ability to work evenings/overnights. The candidate must be motivated to carve out some free time to take that Master Class in French pastry fundamentals!
In the unlikely event the coach disagrees with a member of the family unit, the position demands following the family’s high-performance culture standard of being HDR (honest, direct, and respectful). This must be done while maintaining an enormous sense of gratitude for feedback the family will consistently give to the coach. You may not like all the hard work; but the high-performance family insists you will love the results. You must persevere!
When you falter, as we all do in demanding yet rewarding jobs, remember the profound words from the head of the family: “If you surround yourself with like-minded, successful people, you may begin to think like they do. Then you begin to act like they do. Then you begin to perform like they do. Their success rubs off on you.
“And everything else, too.”
When you eventually leave this position for one less formidable and farcical, please know you have my utmost respect for having attempted the impossible.