Flights of mustachioed fancy |

Flights of mustachioed fancy

Don Rogers

The perpetrators of these foul libels will be punished, of course. No, not with terminations. Don’t believe in capital punishment. That’s much too easy.

Why do that when there are cheerleader stories to assign to the sports staff? Re-formatting the annual school bus schedules, which the district for no reason we can think of goes nuts with tabbing and all-caps despite annual entreaties to forego this nonsense, to hand over to the copy editors? That series about how stenographers, accountants and parking ticket takers get through their work days that I’ve always wanted to do?

Hmmm, why yes. I could force Zalaznick to say something nice about George W. Bush, make Pence review McDonald’s, Haldner go to a Vail Town Council meeting, Perry drop the bank robbery and get to the bottom of why fire departments no longer rescue cats from trees.

I’m feeling better already. Make Cropp board and Ball ski. Wait, that’s been done. Tell Alex Miller that a certain two moms from Vail Mountain School will forevermore edit his fine, sometimes acerbic work, focusing of course on his reviews.

Assign a story to Scott Miller in Blue Sky Basin (Scott’s not a great fan of skiing), make Freud ride the gondola (cure that fear of heights) and have Gibbard edit the “celebs in the news section” every day. Make Mugs wear his hat, Amber buy her own flowers, Spielberg listen exclusively to country.

Yeah, that’s the ticket. That’ll learn ’em. Rogers’ mustache, indeed. Why, it’s nearly buried behind this new beard. Gone, but obviously not forgot.

There is one extenuating circumstance, though. They wrote my blog for me today:

” Rogers’ mustache inspired the character of Moby Dick. In Nantucket, there is a legend of a giant mustache that swam the whaling lanes, annoying sea captains by giving its opinion on everything from the scandals of Ulysses Grant’s administration to increases in customs tariffs to the island’s zoning plan to the use of ambergris as a contraceptive. All the captains wanted to catch the mustache, but were finally overmatched when the Moby Mustache invented the blog.

” Rogers’ mustache was in the Beatles for a time in the late ’60s, you can see it simultaneously on all four Beatles on the Sgt. Pepper album cover, but, citing creative differences with John and Paul, it left the Fab Four for Jimi Hendrix’s face, where it stayed until Jimi died, and it attached itself to Frank Zappa’s face, where it remained until it left the music world.

” You know what makes me hungry? Thinking of the time Don Rogers’ moustache walked into McDonald’s and ordered a Big Mac and Coke, and didn’t give Don Rogers any.

Things you didn’t know about Rogers’ mustache

-It was once indicted on felony money-laundering charges but exonerated after it was discovered the offending mustache actually belonged to crime boss Jimmy “The Spleen” Splenorfio.

-It speaks Farsi and spent 6 months in Iraq translating for the troops. In its absence, Don used a “stunt double” mustache on loan from the state department.

-Rogers’ mustache had a cameo role in the film “Bridge On the River Kwai,” where it portrayed a small piece of shrubbery behind Alec Guinness in Scene 23.

-The mustaches of Don Rogers and Saddam Hussein once faced off in a game of table tennis to settle a bet over a piece of Star Wars trivia. Rogers’ mustache won 21-17.

-The “Best in Show” prize at the 1957 Westminster Kennel Club was almost denied to a young Sheltie after an irascible Weimaraner bit off part of its tail. Watching from the audience, Rogers’ mustache raced into the arena, changed its shape and color to match the missing tail, and attached itself to the Sheltie, which went on to win the show.

-Rogers’ mustache is actually over 2,700 years old; he is just borrowing it for the duration of his lifetime. In other incarnations, the mustache has graced the upper lips of pharaohs, slaves, heads of state and even some Greek and Italian women.

-Rogers’ mustache is immortal; it cannot be shaved off. No material yet has been found to create a razor capable of removing it, and several barbers over the centuries have died or gone mad trying.

-Tougher than steel, titanium or even diamonds, the bristles of Rogers’ mustache can be used to strip the paint from airplanes, cleanse movie stars of embarrassing tattoos and even remove sins from the soul.

-At night while he sleeps, Rogers’ mustache detaches from his lip and travels the world at near light speed to fight crime and injustice.

-There is no Santa Claus: it’s Rogers’ mustache that delivers all those presents.

-Rogers’ mustache has an imaginary goatee friend named “Wemmick.”

-If Rogers’ drinks ouzo, that mustache gets mean. At a pub in Kalamata, it once killed a man for using jargon.

-When Rogers is writing commentary pieces, if he types a phrase that really tickles him, his mustache spins like a propeller.

-When threatened, Rogers’ mustache can defend itself by detaching from the lip and deploying itself as a boomerang.

-Rogers cannot grow a beard due to his mustache’s jealousy. If he tries, the mustache slowly begins secreting poison into Rogers’ bloodstream, and if he fails to shave off the beard, it will kill him and find a new host.

-During the passage of the Mayflower, Rogers’ mustache detached from its Puritan host to patch a hole in the hull, thus enabling the settlement of the New World.

Sigh, and more.

-Don Rogers doesn’t snarf. That’s just his mustache telling you to back the … off.

-Don Rogers mustache won the Rocky Mountain Oyster eating contest at the 1951 Colorado State Fair. Instead of taking its prize of a cowboy hat and boots, it proceeded to eat the remaining oysters.

-In an effort to quell testy race relations during the Los Angeles riots, Don Rogers’ mustache took a role with Eddie Murphy in “Coming to America.”

-During WWII, Don Rogers’ mustache went on a Hollywood crash diet so that it could pull a coup on Hitler’s mustache and end the war. Unfortunately, it fell in love with Marlene Deitrich and revealved its Achilles’ heel: cabaret singers.

-There was no battle of 2nd Manassas (2nd Bull Run). Rogers’ mustache, who at the time was an advisor for Gen. Stonewall Jackson, staged the battle in hopes of popularizing sequals for future generations. The Second Vatican and Weekend at Bernie’s II are some of Rogers’ mustache’s proudest legacies

-At its high school prom, Rogers’ mustache spiked the punch with Sudafed in hopes that the Rogers’ snarf would become the new dance craze. We now know this dance as the twist.

-While Don Rogers was at a Swift News conference in Reno, Nev., his mustache snuck out at night and hitched a ride down the Vegas. After turning $15 into $10,000 on nickel slots, it snuck into the Tiger’s cage at the Mirage and shared a bottle of Tanqueray with the Tiger. Both Rogers’ mustache and the Tiger then rode a stretch hummer limo down the strip, picking up someone who looked like Marion Barry in hopes of getting a quick high. Only hours later would they discover that the supposed Barry was just a wax statue of him. They melted the wax and made scented crack candles.

Support Local Journalism