Norton: The common sense that’s not always common practice
“Firm but fair.” It’s one of those classic phrases that has made its rounds through every management seminar, leadership book and HR handbook for decades. It’s a concept that feels obvious — practically baked into our collective understanding of what good leadership should look like.
And yet, despite its wide acceptance as common sense, it remains glaringly absent in far too many workplaces, households, communities, and yes, even comment threads on social media.
Here’s the truth: Being firm but fair isn’t just a leadership competency. It’s a life competency. It should be at the heart of every interaction we have — with colleagues, friends, family, neighbors and strangers. But too often, we confuse firmness with control and fairness with softness. We dig in on our convictions so deeply that we forget to leave space for empathy. We mistake being “right” for being righteous. And in the process, we alienate the very people we claim to want to understand.
A reader recently reminded me of how quickly things can go sideways when fairness is left out of the equation. She’d just moved to a new state and, eager to plug into the local community, posted a friendly message on a Facebook group asking for suggestions on things to do and places to explore. Simple, harmless, open-hearted.
Within minutes, someone replied — not with a welcome or a restaurant recommendation — but with hostility. The responder attacked the state the woman had moved from, implied she was part of some political problem, and warned her not to bring “those values” into this state. No questions asked. No attempt to understand who she was or what she believed. Just a fast, angry judgment based on an assumption and a zip code.
Support Local Journalism
That’s not firm. That’s unfair.
Firmness is about clarity, boundaries and expectations. Fairness is about empathy, consistency and understanding. One without the other becomes toxic. Being overly firm without fairness becomes rigid, authoritarian and divisive. Being overly fair without firmness becomes vague, enabling and chaotic. It’s only when the two are in balance that trust is built.
Leadership — whether at home, at work, or online — is about holding the line without drawing swords. It’s about communicating standards while listening to perspectives. And it’s about recognizing that someone can disagree with you without being your enemy. We don’t have to dilute our convictions to be fair. But we do have to discipline our assumptions if we ever hope to lead or love well.
Being firm but fair means telling the truth even when it’s uncomfortable — but doing so with compassion and integrity. It means making tough calls without playing favorites. It means standing up for what’s right, while also pausing long enough to ask, “What might I not be seeing here?”
And yes, being firm but fair takes work. It takes emotional intelligence. It takes humility. It takes courage to course-correct when we get it wrong, which we all do.
The beauty of this mindset is that it doesn’t just create better leaders — it creates better humans. When people feel both seen and held accountable, they rise. When they know you’re not out to shame them, but you won’t coddle them either, they lean in. Fairness gives firmness credibility. Without it, our firmness just feels like force.
So, whether you’re leading a team, raising a child, moderating a community forum, or simply navigating relationships in today’s divided world, don’t just ask, Am I being firm enough? Ask also, Am I being fair enough?
Because when fairness is discernible, firmness is acceptable. And that’s not just common sense — it’s good practice.
Michael Norton is an author, a personal and professional coach, consultant, trainer, encourager, and motivator of individuals and businesses, working with organizations and associations across multiple industries.
