O’Neil: Tips for adapting to the empty nest

I gave my son a big bear hug before he walked back to his freshmen college dorm and then opened the car door to get in my Uber ride. As we drove away, the tears came. A few months later, I was at a high school basketball game watching the team he had played on his senior year. I was in a funk and felt sad not seeing him in that game.

That was almost six years ago, the time when my wife and I emptied our proverbial nest. Our last born was enjoying his first year of college, but for me, I was adjusting to a new phase of fatherhood or what felt like the loss of it.

This spring, the Class of 2025 will graduate from high school, and locally, hundreds of parents will experience the empty nest syndrome having their youngest, or only child begin the transition to adulthood. I’m not a psychologist, but I think I can speak from personal experience as a dad. As a career educator I’ve also observed hundreds of families work through this stage of life. I have a few tips that might help you if you’re nearing this life event or if you find yourself immersed in it.

1. With most of life’s challenges, acknowledging that you’re going through a difficult time is an important first step. Acknowledge that, like your teenager who is forming and clarifying his or her identity, you are too. Parenting children while they are “under your roof” is very different from parenting when they are not. That transition period can be jarring, and parents often experience feelings such as sadness, emptiness, and loss.
2. Prepare for the transition. If you’re married, invest in and strengthen that relationship. If you have a junior or senior in high school, begin to transition your parenting to a hybrid approach with less hands-on and more independence for your teen.  
3. Clarify your life stage to help better understand it. Erik Erikson’s 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development might help. In each of his stages, there is a conflict between two opposing states. Resolving that conflict results in the development of healthy virtues and the personal strength to face life’s next stage. Adults in their 40s, 50s and early 60s experience what Erikson calls the Generativity versus Stagnation stage. Contributing to society, whether through parenting or in other ways, is fundamental to generativity. Find new ways to contribute to society, beyond parenting, to help you successfully pass through this stage.
4. Discover new sources of purpose and meaning. That may include new relationships, pursuing hobbies that you once had, or volunteering at a local nonprofit. It may be hard to accept, but repurpose your identity from being too exclusively mom or dad to being (fill in the blank with YOUR name).
5. Give yourself time. It took me a few years to work through the transition. Stay optimistic and hopeful and reframe the transition as a personal growth opportunity. Remember that you will never stop being a parent. It’s a lifetime role.

Six years later, I still miss those active parenting years. After all, it was 25 years of my life. I’m on the other side now, differently balanced, but still very much a parent and father.

Steve O’Neil is the head of school at Vail Christian High School in Edwards.