Doubly Darwinian |

Doubly Darwinian

Randy Wyrick and His
Darwinian Dudes
Daily Staff Writer
Special to the DailyMr. and Mrs. Allen Long announce the engagement of their daughter, Alison Lang, to Rob Kedrowski, the son of Mr. and Mrs. Robert Kedrowski of Avon. Alison is a graduate of Lake County High School and Hair Dynamics Institute in Ft. Collins. She is currently employed as a color specialist at Montana Salon and Spa. Rob is a graduate of Eagle Valley High School and Denver Automotive Diesel College and is employed as a diesel mechanic for Swift Transportation. A June 12 wedding is scheduled at the Donovan Pavilion in Vail. The couple will reside in Parker.

By now, most of you know that a few of the military folks occupying Iraq are in hot hummus for misbehaving as they photographically recorded prisoners’ posteriors for posterity ” while purportedly engaged in nation building.

We, The Titans of Town Talk and authors of the Torque and Recoil Senate Campaign, ask this simple question: How would you like it if someone holding you at gunpoint took pictures of your naked tush?”

We, therefore, apply to those responsible for this sordid situation the following multiple choice test:

1. Have you lost your minds?

2. Or what?

Let us make this perfectly clear: We support our troops. Spiritually, physically, and economically. But this is just stupid.

In proposing the Darwinian Dumbness in Digital Photography and Downloading Act, the Titans of Town Talk’s Torque and Recoil Campaign position on this could not be more simple. Obviously, body armor and a helmet do not protect people who emerged from the shallow end of the gene pool from their own idiocy.

Alas, however, because we are Americans, the First Amendment has the upper hand over the Darwinian Dumbness in Digital Photography and Downloading Act. These people have every right to be as boneheaded as they want. Except when they’re on duty, in which case these budding shutterbugs need to keep the cameras in their ditty bags, clam up and do their jobs, which, we’re pretty sure, has nothing whatsoever to do with piling up a bunch of naked Iraqis, something we have no idea why anyone would want to do anyway.

Off duty, all of us are endowed by the Creator, to be as boneheaded as we want. The rest of us, of course, don’t have to patronize them by downloading the results of their idiocy.

And that’s where Mother Nature enters the picture.

Because these particular militroids have access to their own apparently limitless stupidity, as well as all kinds of lethal weapons, they are prime candidates for the Darwin Awards. For the uninitiated, the Darwin Awards are bestowed, mostly posthumously, on those who attempt to eliminate themselves from the gene pool in the most creative ways. The guy who put a .22-caliber bullet in his car’s fuse box when he was out of actual fuses is a good example. Since electricity creates heat, the bullet went off. The guy essentially shot himself in a place where, well, let’s just say he lived, but his potential offspring didn’t.

Those who live through their stupidity have a pretty good chance of taking another vacation from common sense, in which case there’s nothing to do but sell tickets and wait for the show to start as they bumble into their own ends In this case, though, we can only pray these Darwin-worthy dingbats don’t take anyone else with them.

“Wyrick for Senate: The Voice of Reason?”

Remember, If it Has Torque, Recoil, Compression, Makes a Big Bang or Shoots a Big Bullet (But Not a Digital Image of Naked Iraqi Prisoners) It’s Cool and America Needs More Of It.”

– Happy 18th birthday, Brady Lemon. Love Mom and Pete. We’re glad you managed to get old enough to join the Marines, which is a dandy organization that teaches many manly skills, such as standing up straight, walking and blowing stuff up.

– Fiesta’s manager Norma Boten a very happy birthday. Obviously today’s huge celebration is in her honor.

– If you see Maureen Keough out and about in Edwards, buy her a cocktail and wish her a very happy birthday.

n If you see Jim O’Hare in Greater Edwards, you’ll have to good sense to see that he has some birthday fun.

– Our belated birthday best Randy Aschenbrenner, the morning guy on The Choice FM. He’s pretty funny, especially for a guy his age ” whatever it is.

Senior Awards Evening on TH May 13 7 p.m. at Donovan Pavilion Public invited. For more information, call 328-2935.

A semi-pro football game will occur on Saturday at 6 p.m. at Battle Mountain High School.

The game is between the Denver Pirates and the Northern Colorado Wolfpack.

Tickets are $5 and can be purchased at the door. All proceeds benefit the Battle Mountain High School Football Team.

Support Local Journalism