Edible terms of endearment | VailDaily.com

Edible terms of endearment

If I name my nuggets Saddam and Osama before consumption, that’s my business. However, if the self-inflicted “great” Rev. Al Sharpton has his newfound way, we’ll all be referring to our nuggets as little more than Lenny and Squiggy.It seems the good Rev. will no longer eat at KFC (formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken before the adjective became another “F” word) and, by golly, he doesn’t think you should either.Beginning last week, Rev. Sharpton joined forces with the animal rights group PETA (known to some as the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, but deigned by many as Purposely Eating Tasty Animals) to urge a boycott of KFC in an attempt to require its chicken suppliers to enact new standards for the “treatment” of the 750 million chickens they process for KFC every year. Personally, I chow down on one or two of the little buggers every chance I can, especially since the opportunity to do so is about as rare as a true powder day in Happy Valley. I should also mention that I occasionally swat flies and step on ants as well, but never consider the option of deep frying.”If we give our money to KFC, we’re paying for a life of misery for some of God’s most helpless creatures,” said Mr. Sharpton in an eight-minute video that will be shown outside KFCs around the country.Really?Then God must really hate snails and liberals.As if fried chicken purveyors needed another excuse to pander to blacks, PETA actually enlisted the dubious talents of Mr. Sharpton in an attempt to force chicken suppliers to give chickens more room in factory barns and to make use of a process that puts the flavorsome fowl to sleep with nitrogen oxide (laughing gas) before being slaughtered. I wonder what a room full of chuckling chicks sounds like. Does anybody yell, “Dead chicken waddling!” as they totter towards the execution chamber?Anyway, they are also asking KFC to stop its suppliers from forcing such rapid, hormone-driven growth that the birds crumple under their own weight.Excuse me, but the meatier the breasts, the better I like it (absolutely no puns whatsoever intended), and I couldn’t care less if the “killing” took 30 seconds or 30 minutes, as long as the damn thing is dead and cooked when I take the first bite.Let’s get one thing straight, we – us human types – are the top of the evolutionary food chain, and anything hanging around underneath is fair game for consumption, whether it be fried, boiled, steamed, smoked, grilled, baked, skewered or sauteed. These PETA nuts are to animals what terrorists are to Islam. Look at a few of these tasty quotes I found on a pro-PETA Web site:”There is no rational basis for asserting that a human being has special rights: A rat, is a pig, is a dog, is a boy.””Taking honey from bees is just like taking the skin off an animal.””Fish and humans deserve the same rights.”Yes, these fruitcakes (couldn’t very well call them meat pies, could I?) think of children on the same level as rats, pigs and dogs. Sorry, but I tend to put humans on a slightly higher level than bacteria-infested rodents and swine that don’t understand the nutritional difference between their own excrement and a discarded Coke can.And what, you might ask, about the Buddhist monks who refrain from killing “anything that breathes?”Each and every morning, when the dali lama himself awakens, the man stands up, scratches himself, and never gives another thought to the thousands of microscopic thingamajigs he has just murdered with his own hand.I have as much respect for these PETA fanatics as I do for terrorists-loving CU professors. They spew negative hate of their own for the sole purpose of furthering an agenda based on self-loathing insecurities. At least groups like the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) use rational thinking and don’t unethically treat humans simply to make a point about ethically treating an animal.Animal testing alone has saved millions of lives by accomplishing such mundane feats as the cure for polio, the discovery and use of penicillin, HIV and AIDS drugs, cancer drugs, vaccines for the measles, mumps and rabies, advances in understanding of the heart, lungs, and countless other vital body parts, and the list goes on and on. These freaks don’t think we should use silk, wool or leather because of silk worms, sheep and cows. Ridiculous. Just imagine how many PETA members one can offend by merely eating a hot dog.Listen, do not eat meat if you do not wish to, but don’t try to tell me it is somehow unnatural or evil unless you can produce one single shred of un-biased evidence that doing so is anything but natural. Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at poor@vail.netVail, Colorado

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