Vail Daily columnist Linda Stamper Boyne: A few simple wishes
Vail, CO Colorado
Dear Santa Claus,
I realize it’s been a few years since I’ve been in touch. Well, really more like a few decades, so I hope you have been well since I last wrote to you.
Did you get your cholesterol checked like I suggested in my previous letter? All those cookies with cocoa chasers can’t be doing your heart any favors. I say this out of love and concern for you. And for the very foundation of the retail business in our country.
What, you may ask, am I doing writing again after all these years? Here’s the deal, Santa. I thought I’d give the whole “What do you want for Christmas, little girl?” thing another try.
It’s not that I just want a bunch of stuff. Some of these things are definite needs. For example, I need a vacation to somewhere warm and tropical where all I have to wear is a bikini, a sarong and flip-flops. I need to see palm trees.
So if I recall the procedure, this is where I should go into the litany of the things on my list and why I deserve them. The time-honored naughty vs. nice debate. Let’s get that part away right up front. I’ve been more than good this year. Probably one of the nicest years to date. For the most part. You know the details. No need to rehash that here.
For Christmas this year, Santa, I want pretty gold earrings, Uggs slippers and an Official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle, even if I will shoot an eye out.
I want the cutest puppy in the world that I saw in the window of the shoe store. I’m sorry, did I say puppy? I meant boots. The most perfect pair of boot that I have been looking for for three years. I promise to walk them and take good care of them.
I want a Roomba, the small, round iRobot that scoots around the house on its own vacuuming up everything in its path. Not only would this help me keep my home clean, it would satisfy a deep-seeded desire to live like the Jetsons. My own little Rosie.
In lieu of that, I’d like a wife. Not in the “person to love and share my life with” sort of way, for I’d need a man for that. No, I need a wife to take care of the home, the boys and me and do all the things that I never get to. I need a 1950’s housewife. And can you make her funny?
I’d like a couple more hours in each day. I know you bend the laws of space and time every Christmas Eve, so I was wondering if you might be able to add 60 or so minutes to my days? I promise to spend them wisely, like playing with the boys or doing charity work. And I promise not to watch TV.
I want the roundabout construction in Edwards to be done, but I know this is an unrealistic Christmas wish, so perhaps you can just make it so no more semi-trucks get stuck exiting the freeway, snarling the traffic for hours. I think that would go a long way in promoting the Christmas spirit.
Could you bring a lot of snow this year to our ski resorts so we have a really good year and our economy bounces back a little? This would make a lot of people happy. However, please only let it snow when it’s convenient for me. The middle of the night is good. And please schedule some elves to come over and shovel my driveway for me.
It seems a little cliched to ask for world peace, so I’ll just say I want people to be nice to each other, to speak kindly to one other, to be polite and respectful. Do you have some magic dust to sprinkle over everyone to make this happen? Maybe we should go inter-departmental with this one. You could call on the Easter Bunny, Mother Nature, the Tooth Fairy and her sister, the PMS Fairy, to help make people a little nicer out there.
So, there’s my list, Santa. Do what you can and what is left over, please pass on to the Birthday Fairy to take care of on the 27th. But please remind her that I’ve segued from the Adding Years division into the Celebration of Me category.
Linda Stamper Boyne of Edwards can be contacted through email@example.com
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