Norton: Reading their eyes while watching our ‘I’
Many people lament that real, human-to-human communication feels like a lost art. The usual culprit is often blamed quickly: the rapid growth of digital communication. Texts replace calls. Emails replace conversations. Social posts replace presence.
There’s truth in that. Younger generations, especially those shaped by the COVID years, navigated school, early careers, and job searches with far fewer opportunities to develop interpersonal communication skills the old-fashioned way — face-to-face, unscripted, and human.
Yet as disruptive as digital communication has been, it still trails a bigger issue: the erosion of trust-based communication. Not because people lack good intentions, but because so many conversations begin focused on what will be said next rather than what is being heard in the present moment.
Take a quick look at any email inbox. Especially one’s own. Notice how many messages begin the same way:
“I just wanted to…”
“I hope you are…”
“I would like to…”
“I know you’re busy, but…”
“I wanted to share…”
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The intent is often sincere and well-meaning. The impact, however, quietly shifts the focus. Those openings immediately answer an unspoken question: Who is this message about?
Digital communication and social media amplify the problem. There’s an underlying urgency to be heard, and an unspoken belief that one voice should be louder than the rest. At its worst, it sounds less like connection and more like, “Look at me,” whether that was the intention or not.
That realization can sting a little. That’s okay. Growth usually does.
Stephen Covey famously said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” It’s hard to argue with that wisdom. But understanding rarely begins when the opening move of every conversation points inward.
The encouraging news? This habit can be changed immediately.
One path is simple discipline: choosing, from this moment forward, to make conversations about others first. To help them feel like the most important person in the room, on the screen, or on the call.
Another path is presence. More face-to-face conversations. Coffee. Lunch. Phones turned face down. And when in-person isn’t possible, cameras are turned on. Even through a screen, eyes still matter.
When attention shifts to their eyes, and awareness sharpens around how often conversations orbit inward, the warmth and depth of communication change dramatically. Not a staring contest (that gets awkward fast), but a genuine connection. The kind that tells another person, “you matter more than the notifications lighting up this device.”
That small shift strengthens conversations with spouses, children, friends, colleagues, and clients. People feel seen. Heard. Valued. Trust grows. Collaboration follows.
And here’s a quiet challenge for the reader: scan back through this column. Notice what’s missing. Consider what happens when communication consistently takes the spotlight off oneself and places it squarely on others.
Perhaps that same shift could help a digitally-native generation become stronger in-person communicators by shifting the focus away from one voice and toward “we.”
What if the opening line to any communication that removed any reference to oneself and instead sounded something like any of the following?
“As you are planning out the new year, this blog might be helpful…”
“There is a new podcast out, it sounds right up your alley, check out this link…”
“In your search for (fill in the blank), have you seen this…?”
“Your post on (fill in the blank) was awesome, could you share more about…?”
“If your year-end was as crazy as everyone else’s, does getting together for a cup of coffee or maybe a drink sound good right about now?”
You are encouraged to try this out and witness the transformation for yourself. And as always, thoughts and reflections are always welcome at gotonorton@gmail.com. Because when communication is done the right way, making others feel important and truly heard, it really does lead to a better-than-good life.
Michael Norton is an author, a personal and professional coach, consultant, trainer, encourager, and motivator of individuals and businesses, working with organizations and associations across multiple industries.
