A brief defense for K-Fed
The cynic in me wants to jump on the Kevin Federline hate wagon, but I really feel bad for the guy. K-Fed gets more bad press than Michael Jackson at a NAMBLA conference. Sure, making fun of K-Fed is a right of passage that every American enjoys, or at least should. And make no mistake, I’ve done my fair share of K-Hatin’.It’s high time, though, to defend this guy – for two seconds.Britney Spears did beat him to the punch on the divorce text message, but Fed-Ex is taking some parental responsibility. K-Family Feud has sought sole custody of the two kids: Sean Preston, 14 months, and Jayden James, 2 months. Never mind that Mary-Kay Fedora wants them just for the child support – he’ll be doing the children a favor in limiting the amount of time they’ll have to spend with Splitney. And when the already well-adjusted kids shack up with K-Fed Up, they can watch cute films of Mommy and Daddy “playing” on vacation without having to buy the video.Kevin Earl “The Pearl” Federline may have married into money, but he filled a void that few in the world could in giving his kids two parents from the same American caste system – white trash.Before I point out the obvious flaws in K.K. Uncool Fed’s character, let me enumerate a few more positives.n He never fought for the Taliban.n To our knowledge, he didn’t create the Star Wars character Jar Jar Binks.n He impregnated Britney twice, putting her career on hold (K-Y Gel’s efforts will be rewarded with the Nobel Peace Prize next year).Time to shineNow Special-K can be financially independent. According to Forbes, Spears had a prenuptial agreement – a 60-page agreement that protects most of her estimated $100 million fortune. Britney could get away with paying Redline Federline a measly $300,000, which he says he is owed, plus $30,000 a month for half the number of years they were married, which would amount to one year.I know K-Filth likes to play a dirty slob, but now he doesn’t have to put on any airs – he won’t be able to afford a haircut or soap.More good news: K. Fiddy is totally free to pursue his own projects. Oh, wait, he’s already doing that and failing miserably.Last week, before the great schism, Right Said Fed admitted that, because of his touring schedule, “I’m not going to see my family as much as I want to, but I mean, those are the sacrifices you make as an artist.”An artist? Those are people who sell records and have fans pay to attend concerts. K-File for Bankruptcy has had two shows of his tour canceled already. His debut album, “Playing With Fire,” has sales that make my favorite Russian new-age techno/country band look like the biggest hit since the Beatles. The tracks of K-Fiduciary’s new album debuted at No. 151 on the Billboard 200, selling only 6,000 copies during its first week. Pyromania is a phase I went through, except I actually succeeded, unlike K-Flatline. William Hung has more talent in his appendix than K-Fled will ever have.I almost forgot, K-Fettucini Alfredo was a backup dancer for Michael Jackon, Jusin Timberlake, Pink … and … wait for it … LFO. All things considered, K-Federloins isn’t a terrible person. He’s a leech, a sleazeball and legally brain-dead. He left his ex-wife, Shar Jackson, while she was pregnant with their second child.Oh, back to K-Failure healing all those Calcuttan lepers. I almost forget about K-FDIC’s work as a selfless celebrity. No, he didn’t offer some of his former trophy fortune for AIDS research or to protect albino-hemophilic baby seals in Malawi. On June 21 of this year, K-Flavor Flav voiced his support of Americans for Common Cents’ campaign to save the penny. Little did K-Fed know that the penny would eventually be his main form of currency.I really do feel bad for the guy, only because this will be the last we ever hear of him. I hope.Staff Writer Ian Cropp will not be proposing to Britney or attending any of K-Fed’s shows and can be reached at 748-2935 or firstname.lastname@example.org.Vail Daily, Vail Colorado
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