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Singing violins

New chicken jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH:

“We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.”

AL GORE:

“I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.”

COLIN POWELL:

“Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.”

HANZ BLIX :

“We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.”

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador):

“The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don’t even have a chicken.”

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

“This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.”

More gratuitous French bashing

“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”

– Mark Twain

“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one

behind me.”

– General George S. Patton

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”

–Norman Schwartzkopf

“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.”

– Marge Simpson

“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure”

– Jacques Chirac, President of France

“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.”

– Rush Limbaugh

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”

– Regis Philbin

“The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.”

– P.J. O’Rourke (1989)

“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.”

– John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.”

-Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!”

– Jay Leno

“The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.”

– David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.


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